On top of my head

שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד
I have placed Hashem before me always. (Tehillim 16:8)

Often the yarmulke’s message remains on top of my head and does not penetrate inside. I understand that Hashem is always with me no matter where we go, but I rarely say, “You are right here with me, Hashem.” I rarely take the opportunity to attempt to ingrain this fundamental belief in my mind throughout the day or during the occasions when I visit a new place.

Why do I fail to say this to myself before learning Torah or doing a mitzvah? The whole purpose of these things is to connect to Hashem, yet I rush into them without stopping for even a few brief seconds beforehand to say these words,

“You are right here with me, Hashem.”

The yetzer hara waiting at a project's completion

Received via e-mail:

I suggest you keep pushing yourself with such details to the very end.

There is a special "yetzer hara" that comes along at the end of a project! I have seen again and again that there is a certain klippah of impatience and fatigue that I have felt at the end of every project -- and that's where the mistakes get a foot in the door. You have to be patient and take the time to review things and stay on top of the project right until the very end.

Which path to go

אשכילך ואורך בדרך זו תלך איעצה עליך

I will make you wise and enlighten you in which path to go, I will advise you (Tehillim 32:8)

Flooded to capacity, my mind worked overtime to process all the thoughts racing through it when I returned home from spending Rosh Hashanah in Uman last year. Once my mind had calmed down somewhat, I sat down and wrote the following note to my roomate in the Uman about the conclusions I had drawn from my trip:

Dear ____

It was an absolute pleasure to be able to spend Rosh Hashanah with you in Uman!

Being in Uman by the Tzion far exceeded my wildest expectations. I truly sensed an incredible power there that shattered the hard casings surrounding my heart and really opened me up; giving me insight into the essence of my being.

I would not trade this experience for the world and I now have a tremendous sense of satisfaction that I was able to accomplish one of my own personal goals before I die. That said, despite all of this, I cannot see myself going to Uman every year as loyal Breslover Chassidim do in fulfillment of one of the Rebbe’s central directives. Additionally, I do not regard myself as a Breslover.  Though I am not sure if I will feel differently in a 6 months, a year, or two years from now.

After 10 years of desiring to go, I went this year with the intention that I was embarking on a once in a lifetime epic journey. Both then and now, I could not see going back every year and being away from my family every Rosh Hashanah.  My wife and kids certainly understood this year and were encouraging since they knew this would not be a yearly occurrence.

In Torah Daled (Likutey Moharan I:4) – which I have been learning/living now for over a month – the Rebbe says once a person comes to the tzaddik, he will reveal to the person the path connected to his shoresh neshoma.  One of the hasagos that I received very strongly at the Tzion in Uman was that was that the derech of the Degel Machaneh Ephraim and current Sudilkover Rebbe were much more connected to my shoresh neshoma.  This certainly doesn’t mean that I now regard Rebbe Nachman’s teachings as something only for other people and not for me.  Chas v'shalom, the Sudilkover Rebbe once told me that Breslover Chassidus is the form of Chassidus today most closely related to the derech of the Degel.

I certainly intend to continue learning and living Rebbe Nachman's teachings every day, however, I know now that they are more of an amazing source of inspiration for me rather than my sole path in avodas Hashem.  In addition, another reason I will continue learning Likutey Moharan is that it one of the four Chassidishe seforim that the Sudilkover Rebbe instructed me to learn everyday without fail.

Perhaps it is still too soon after returning from Uman and my head is still spinning and trying to draw conclusions prematurely.  Yet, you have often told me that it is very important for me to be myself, so I am very interested for your thoughts after reading this.

Thank you in advance for your advice.

In response, I received the following response:

Glad to hear that you found this experience to be so profound, and I feel the same way about sharing your company!

As for your question (if it is a question) -- by all means, "be yourself." Labels are not so important; pnimiyus is important.

The Rebbe once said that he had three types of Chassidim: those who come for "shirayim," those who come for Torah, and those who are "baked in his heart." Yes, Breslover Chassidim stress the last category; but all three are nevertheless called "Chassidim." You came to Uman for Rosh Hashanah and that's a heroic journey, whether you ever come again or not!

Chazak ve'ematz

Through simplicity

ואני בתמי תמכת בי ותציבני לפניך לעולם

And as for me, because of my simplicity, You supported me, and You always stood me upright before You. (Tehillim 41:13)

Everything I have accomplished in my life of lasting value is due to the fact that I have repeatedly relied on emunah peshutah (simple faith) when confronting obstacles that loomed largely in front of me.

17 Iyar

Leaving the Kiev airport on the way to Uman for Rosh Hashanah last year, the driver of our van offered to first take us to visit the kevarim of other tzaddikim in Vilednik, Berditchev, and Mezhibuz for a very reasonable additional cost. We immediately agreed and drove through the night on bumpy Ukrainian back roads without sleeping; arriving in Vilednik at midnight, Berditchev at 2:00 a.m., and Mezhibuz at 4:00 a.m.

In Mezhibuz, I spent a lot of time by the kever of the Degel Machaneh Ephraim. I had last visited Mezhibuz 10 years previously and had not expected that I would have time to visit his kever during this visit. I was absolutely amazed how circumstances presented me with this opportunity.

Since the time of my last visit, not a day had gone by in which I hadn’t learned Degel Machaneh Ephraim. I couldn't help but conclude that there was something symbolic about the fact that I had to first go to Mezhibuz before I could go to Uman during this trip. It was as if the Degel himself was saying, "Let me get this right, there is a person who learns my sefer everyday and tries to connect to my derech avodah and he is not going to visit me after he flew thousands of miles across the ocean??? I will simply not permit it!! He must first come to me, and then he can go to Uman to see my nephew."

Today, on the yahrzeit of the Degel Machaneh Ephraim, I am taking it upon myself to learn his sefer just five more minutes a day. I am doing this because I have recently concluded that it is my natural inclination to take on things in a big manner. However, I have found that it is best to do things by starting very small but with consistency every day.

A garment can always be removed

מה תשתוחחי נפשי ותהמי עלי

Why are you downcast my soul, and why are you bewildered on my account? (Tehillim 42:6)

Anytime I feel a wave of depression or sadness wash over me, I must remember that my essence is pure; Hashem created it and placed it within me. If I regard something about myself as “bad”, I must remind myself that it is only a garment that I can still remove from over me. Nothing that I do can tarnish the purity of my soul.